


Falling

by historymiss



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/historymiss/pseuds/historymiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apparently, I can't write meta, I write fic instead. Kylo Ren feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling

This is how it feels to be Kylo Ren.

Fifteen years ago, you fell. Or maybe it was twenty years ago, or maybe it has been happening, in inches, since you were born- a slow spiralling out from the centre of your orbit into blackness. You cannot, at this stage, remember a time when you did not feel as if you were viewing your world from behind smoke, behind black glass, a visor. 

Regardless, fifteen years ago, you did something unforgivable. You remember it in fragments, even now. Yourself, walking into the school flanked by the Knights of Ren. Burning flesh and hair. They begged for their teacher. It was pointless, in the end. Luke Skywalker could not save them, any more than he could have saved you.

Your entire adult life has been defined by this choice. Everything that came after sprang from it, an act that created a wellspring of darkness inside you that doesn’t run dry no matter how much the Light calls your name. It doesn’t matter. You’ve tarnished yourself indelibly, which was, in the end, the point. Your reward was fifteen years of remembering the greasy smell of the temple at dawn and the feeling of the bottom dropping out of the universe because you have finally made yourself irredeemable.

(What is left of you if you renounce any of the things you have done? You will still be a murderer if you repent. At least this way, the deaths you have caused will mean something.)

You wonder if Darth Vader ever thought this way. If he ever thought about the purging of the Jedi temple with such black self-disgust. If that sowed the seeds of his sentimentality, of his downfall. 

You are, in the end, the sum of all your family’s mistakes and even your errors are not your own.


End file.
